Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Dark Side...

...of adoption-related Yahoo Groups is the topic of today's post.

I have now unsubscribed to both APC and SAC. Why? Because I feel that the members of those groups spend a lot of time being very self-righteous and critical of others. When I first joined those groups I was looking for a clearinghouse of information and a network of support. Instead, much of the energy seems to be spent arguing. Everyone just has to get the flippin' LAST WORD.

It began to wear on me.

I lasted no more than a week with APC, but several months with SAC. Over the weekend (when it's not moderated), my agency's group has also turned mean-spirited. It's incredible how one person's post can spark such a firestorm. Where's the grace, people?

Now, I could launch into some of the topics that have seemed to ignite the hottest debates and share my opinions - it is my blog after all. But, I would rather the focus of my adoption experience be upon my daughter, Jillian, not whether I'm doing irrevocable damage to her self-image by removing her from her country of origin and its culture, how I'm paying for the adoption, what I think about other single mothers, or how to throw a birthday party.

I didn't sign up for this experience to be filled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. I chose to adopt because I want to be a mother. There are orphaned babies in China who need parents. I don't care about all the politically-correct arguments when it comes to Jillian. I will do what it takes to bring her home and give her the best life I can, and I don't need to argue about that.

19 Comments:

  • At 7:24 AM, Blogger Mariah said…

    Whew...I here ya sister!! I am so glad you made that comment on the AWAA group! Have a great day!

     
  • At 8:03 AM, Blogger Jenny said…

    AMEN!!!! I cannot look at APC. And I have to go now an read AWAA. Sad that people get so crazed.

     
  • At 10:42 AM, Blogger Michelle said…

    Totally agree. I have never been to either of those sites, as I was forewarned by my sister about them. I had figured I might check them out when we were later on in the process, but now I think I will skip it altogether. I don't need to read negative things about the adoption process. We want a family, and those children need homes. Enough said.

     
  • At 11:10 AM, Blogger Kristin said…

    I too have left APC... I truly think those 5 or so folks who literally DOMINATE the boards are a bit wacked...

    I tried posting a couple of times to them and my message never appeared.

    I don't know what SAC is, but it sounds llike you made a great decision!

     
  • At 11:21 AM, Blogger Joannah said…

    Kristin,
    Thanks for your supportive comment. SAC is Single Adopt China. I did learn a lot from them overall, but lately it's been too contentious. I just don't need all that strife in my mailbox.

     
  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger Tammy said…

    I couldn't agree more - you need to wear a helmet when you post on APC. Their welcome message is a real misrepresentation of what that board is all about.

    How did all of those soap-box-owning folks all find eachother? I guess like the old the saying: birds of a feather...

    Thankfully, most of the families that I've met through our journey are awesome. I just choose to surround myself with the nice folks.

    Tammy

     
  • At 3:18 PM, Blogger Lisa and Tate said…

    Hey... I thought it was just me!!!!SAC really seems like a handful of know it alls.... I do not need negitivity in my life.... I have not unsubsribed but just choose not to go there.... I think the APC is too MUCH and never tune in there either!!! Blog friends are so much more fun and positive.


    Lisa

     
  • At 3:59 PM, Blogger Kim said…

    Geez, makes me glad that I wasn't approved by APC because I didn't answer one of their 'interview' questions just right! Looks like they did me a favor!

     
  • At 5:22 PM, Blogger Shannon S said…

    Totally agree...
    I'm so excitied about your next steps in the paperchase! I marked the "clockwork" days on my calender and *willed* them to happen! =)It was fun to see how close things actually came.

     
  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger AprilMay said…

    Try the boards on Bethany.org...they have people from all different agencies, and I've never read anything negative on them, since it is supposed to Christian boards. :)
    I'm not upset about the blog publishing thing! I was just very surprised. Actually, I'm a bit flattered. Again, as long as husband doesn't find out.... LOL!

     
  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger Jodie said…

    I'm so glad you said all of that! Sometimes, after reading the boards for awhile, I get this heavy feeling of guilt...why is that?!! Is it because I'm not all up in arms about the best way to__________???!!!!

    It's just too much, isn't it?!

     
  • At 10:16 PM, Blogger Jen said…

    Joannah,

    I, too have grown weary of all the sniping on the groups. At first, I was so hungry for information that I was willing to weed through all the BS trying to find it. However, the negativity is so pervasive. No matter what topic is raised there's always multiple "sides" to say it can only be done their way or you've doomed your child. Everything is disected in such excruciating small detail... Ugh! I'm joining you on this one, I should have done it long ago. Thanks for saying it for all of us!

     
  • At 6:19 AM, Blogger Stephanie said…

    Well said! I knew there must be a reason why I haven't had that much interest in joining some of these groups!

     
  • At 6:36 AM, Blogger Shannon said…

    I'm with you. I never joined APC because i've heard nothing but negative things about it. I was only on the SAC for like 2 weeks before I came to the conclusion that I didn't belong there. It's a shame that some people have to be right and have to be judgemental. Pity really. But we love you here in bloggyville!!

     
  • At 10:42 AM, Blogger Stephe said…

    I agree and disagree. Yes, I believe there are obnoxious people on both APC and SAC. Not only obnoxioius but totally judgmental against other adoptive parents. You would think that these forums would provide a more united front. Even with that being said, I will probably NEVER unsubscribe! Why, I have learned more helpful and valuable information on these groups. Six months before I decided to adopt, I joined almost every yahoo group there was. I read and read and took (huge amounts) of notes. By the time I decided to adopt and was off the waiting list, I was ready. My family advisor wanted to know if there was anything he could do for me...literally. I didn't need any help, I knew exactly what to do to complete a dossier on my own without my agencies help. I think this is coming out wrong but I just meant that I learned all the mistakes and helpful tips from others that enabled me to avoid big mistakes.

    Sure, you don't need these groups and I still love that "DELETE" button for those "5". Even so, I just weed through the judgmental crap and get great "points of view". It's a personal choice. Don't hate me for loving APC and SAC.

    P.S. - I am definately not one of them that posts mean stuff...ever!!:)

     
  • At 12:35 PM, Blogger Alyson, Brett & Girls said…

    I second what Stephe said. I have my email settings for most groups on Special Notices ... especially APC! That way, I have the info available to me but I do not have to be inundated with the negativity. Something to consider.

    Alyson

     
  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger Joannah said…

    Stephe,

    I agree that one can glean much information from said groups. However, I have gleaned enough to get me through the paperchase. As for how I choose to raise my daughter, I don't need the members of APC or SAC or any other group to make me feel like I'm compelled to embrace a particular set of values and impart them to my daughter.

    I am sticking with my agency's groups, two DTC groups, and the scrapbooking group, and for rumors, there's always The Rumor Queen!

     
  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger Zoe's Mom said…

    Well said, Joannah. I'm glad you feel the way you do about adoption and your daughter.

    Jennifer

     
  • At 6:09 AM, Blogger Susan said…

    I haven't been on APC for moons. I agree with your post and think you said it well.

    Susan

     

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