Bittersweet
This post has been a long time coming because I had to be very sure before I wrote everything down and shared it with all of you.
Earlier this year I came to a fork in the road of my life. On one side of the fork, I could continue to wait for my referral for a daughter from China.
On the other side of the fork, I could marry the man I love and have a family with him. I couldn't do both, though, because...
Time is running out. I will be 40 at the end of the year, but my ob/gyn assures me it's not too late.
The wait has grown, and it's become impossible to predict when my referral can be expected. We all know that painfully well.
A decision had to be made.
I have chosen to marry Michael and forfeit the adoption. We will be married on November 11, 2007. I spoke with my agency earlier, and they are in the process of pulling my dossier.
It is bitter to walk away from this dream of a precious little girl I've called Jillian Rose. When I began this process two years ago next month, I fully anticipated that I would become a mother this very year. The wait has been as heartbreaking for me as it has been for anyone I suppose. Honestly, I have a lot of resentment towards the "powers that be" in Chin@ for drastically changing the timing of this process.
But it is sweet to be marrying my best friend and the love of my life. Very, very sweet.
I have come to know so many wonderful people in this community. I can't imagine not keeping up with your blogs and following along with those of you continuing to wait for your referrals, those of you traveling, and those of you living the good life with your babies. I also cannot imagine not continuing to blog for myself. I have grown to love this outlet. So, I'm starting a new blog that I'm calling All Things New, and I hope you will join me there from here on out. It's still under construction, but I hope to jazz it up real soon.
In closing, thank you for all of the friendship you have shown me. Thank you for the words of encouragement when I was feeling low. Thank you for your generosity. I have so many lovely things - I hope we'll be blessed with a girl! I will also understand if you feel that you'd like to have me return a gift you gave to me with the intention of it being for a baby adopted from China. So, if you feel that way, please email me and I'll happily return your item to you.
Blessings!
Joannah
posted by Joannah @ 1:21 PM
62 Comments:
At 10:51 AM,
4D said…
I am SO happy for you that you have found someone to share your life with. I am sad that your journey is ending and your Jillian is not with you. This forsaken wait hurts so much and I am sorry that you are having to stop your journey.
But a new and wonderful journey is beginning and this is one you get to share with the most amazing person for you.
Will def follow on your new blog.
Keep smilin!
At 11:01 AM,
Catherine said…
What a big decision for you and one I know you didn't make lightly.
All the best to you and your fiancee as you antipate your marriage and forming a family together!
Looking forward to following your new blog.
Catherine
At 12:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
Based on some of your posts from earlier in the year, I am not entirely surprised. It must have been a difficult decision that has brought both joy and angst. I am so happy that you will be married and I look forward to other great news that will hopefully happen not long after! I will be following it for sure!
At 1:36 PM,
wzgirl said…
Hugs, you. I know that we'll stay in touch & that makes me very happy. Speaking of which, I am the first Bloglines Subscriber to your new blog.
Congrats, Joannah, I am incredibly happy for you.
At 1:55 PM,
Middle-Aged Moi said…
Only the very best to you, Joannah. May God bless your marriage and whatever else life has in store for you.
At 2:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
May God bless you and bring you peace and comfort in your decision!
At 2:48 PM,
Special K said…
I know this was a difficult decision for you. One that you gave a lot of thought to. I can only imagine what it'd be like to be in the same place staring at that fork in the road and trying to figure out which way is the right one.
I wish you all the best. I'll definitely stay in touch thru the new blog. Congratulations on your engagement!
At 3:11 PM,
AprilMay said…
God bless you friend! Thank you for sharing such a personal and difficult decision with us. I will be one of the readers of your new blog...you still owe me some 4th grade teaching tips! ;) I am so excited for you and for your new life.
Keep your China stuff! One day, you may travel there. Or, maybe someone in your church will adopt and would love and appreciate some gifts. Or, you may be blessed with a son (or three...like me...) and end up adopting anyway! Perhaps the wait will lessen by then. You never know where life will take you.
At 3:15 PM,
M3 said…
All the best Joannah, all the best! Nothing but good wishes and happiness, and congratulations. I know your decisions must have been hard. (And Rose and Marie hope you have a girl too, they think girls are terrific. *grin*)
At 3:28 PM,
D said…
Joanna...what a big, big decision you've made and I know it wasn't easy. God bless the new endeavor in life! What a great thing that you're getting married. Hang in there and I'm so glad you're starting a new blog! I'll add it to my bloglines.
At 3:45 PM,
Abby's Mom said…
Congratulations Joannah. I wish you much happiness in your future! God has a plan for everyone that I believe :)
At 3:53 PM,
Shannon said…
Oh my goodness! How wonderful!!Sending loving and amazingly happy wishes to you & M!!
At 4:43 PM,
Kayce said…
Joannah,
Congratulations! I'm sure this has been a very hard decision for you, but you have made the right one. I of course will follow you along on your new journey! God Bless and enjoy the glow of your new path and that of being engaged to your best friend!
Kayce
At 5:01 PM,
~Kristen said…
WOW!! What a huge decision, but a wonderful happy one!! Many Congrats and good wishes to you on your upcoming wedding.
As you grieve the loss of your Jillian Rose, keep in mind all the wonderful, exciting things that are going to take place in your future. I will certainly be following this exciting new path you are on...
CONGRATULATIONS Joannah & Michael!!
At 5:59 PM,
Pixel Fairy Princess said…
OH Joannah! I couldn't be happier for you! I can only imagine how you agonized over this decision, but I believe you have made the right one! I hope that you have many happy years together and that God bless you with a home full of happy little ones! Congratulations dear friend ~ you deserve so much happiness in your life :D
Ladybug hugs,
Debbie
At 6:44 PM,
Zoe Mama said…
Wow, some decisions are so hard, some are easy and some are both. Good luck and best wishes.
At 8:18 PM,
Mom 2 six said…
I am thrilled for you ! I have followed you forever and I can't wait to follow your new path.
At 11:26 PM,
Lisa and Tate said…
CONGRATS!!! So very happy to hear you are getting married.... I will for sure keep up with you and your new life! All the best and look forward to more happy news in the future!
Hugs
Lisa
At 11:30 PM,
Johnny said…
Best wishes to you and your new path.
At 1:22 AM,
Calico Sky said…
I am really shocked, I know that he is a big part of your life and am really thrilled that you feel happy with your decision.
At 5:51 AM,
Anne Marie said…
Yes, bittersweet, but I am so happy for you. I know I don't really "know" you but I had a feeling that in order for you to be writing about your sweetie on your blog that it must be a very serious relationship. I hope that marriage brings you as much peace and happiness as it has brought me (I am someone who got married just 2 months before I turned 40!). I'm sorry that part of your new happiness means forfeiting the adoption, but I very much look forward to hearing about your new family!
At 7:17 AM,
Sunny said…
Good luck to you! I hope that you and your new husband receive exciting news of your own very, very soon. I am so happy that are following your heart! I can't wait to follow your new blog and I hope that you will continue to read "Jillian's Journal" in the future.
At 7:48 AM,
Two Kayaks said…
Joannah,
For some reason I am not taken aback by your decision and completely support it 100%. I know you, know how thoughtful you are and know how difficult a decision this must have been for you.
I look forward to reading about your new adventures and hope for nothing but the best for you.
At 7:48 AM,
Two Kayaks said…
P.S. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!
At 8:37 AM,
Michelle said…
Good luck with your new journey! It must have been a hard decision...but it will work out for the best...
At 8:40 AM,
Gracencameronsmomy said…
That last comment was from me!! My sister changed my login...
Lisa
At 10:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
It must have been so hard to make such a decision, although clearly it was the right one for you. Before we received our expedited referral, we were going to "re-evaluate" the situation to see if we wanted to continue with the adoption. Luckily for us it wasn't a decision we had to make.
Congratulations on your engagement and I will definately be following along on your new blog.
Stephanie
Forks and Chopsticks
At 11:11 AM,
Stacey said…
Congratulations! Isn't it funny how life can make a 180 degree turn. I wish you all the best! I wouldn't dream of you sending the gifts back. They were meant for your child to have one day. Pack them up for now and focus on the wedding. I checked your new blog out, and the wedding is going to be beautiful. When the time comes, the presents will be put to good use. ;)
Congratulations!
Stacey
At 1:40 PM,
Michele said…
I am sure that it was a very difficult decision that was not made lightly. I have followed your blog for a while and I am so happy that you are getting married to your soul mate. Things always happen for a reason. As sure as I am that my girls were ALWAYS waiting for me in Chian (I have two little ones at home already), once you become a Mom, you will be absolutely positive that THAT child was the one that you were waiting for all of your life. Many blessing to you and your future husband. May the road your travel be filled with love, happiness, and health.
ALl my best,
Michele, Mom to Emily and Alyssa
www.ourjourneytoalyssa.blogspot.com
At 1:54 PM,
Elise said…
I am so glad that you have found such a wonderful man to call your bestfriend as well as husband (the best decision I ever made was marrying my bestfriend). Who would have known when we all started this adoption journey that it would be this long of a wait. We all have different circumstances and need to do what is best for our each individual lives. I am so excited for your new direction and can't wait to see the new blog too. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and new marriage!
At 4:51 PM,
A said…
Joannah--bittersweet is the perfect way to describe this...what a wonderful announcement of your upcoming marriage(David clued me in on the conversation you all had several months ago)but it also means you are ending something you put a lot of time, energy, and love in. I know that this must have been something you thought and prayed about alot.
Blessings on you and Michael as you move forward on a new path together. What a wonderful adventure it will be.
P.S. I am glad you are creating a new blog--I was sad to think we couldn't keep up with you anymore. :)
At 5:31 PM,
redmaryjanes said…
Joannah,
I visit your blog because of the woman you are and the friendship that you have extended to me. Nothing will change that. Of course I will follow you to your new blog. And what kind of friend would I be not to congratulate you and wish you every happiness as you marry a wonderful man? Follow your path, I'll be right here enjoying every step you take and hearing all about it.
At 6:00 PM,
fuzzandfuzzlet said…
In some way I think I saw this coming. Congratulations.
May I encourage you to allow yourself to grieve for Jillian Rose? She occupied a corner of your heart for a very long time. Allow yourself to say goodbye, allow yourself to miss what might have been. No regrets, but you are entitled to some sadness over the bitter part of bittersweet.
Best wishes for all the upcoming changes in your life.
At 6:02 PM,
fuzzandfuzzlet said…
I had no idea we were so close in age. I too will be 40 at the end of the year.
At 9:33 PM,
Shelley said…
Joannah - I know how you have struggled with this and I am so. incredibly. happy for you, my friend.
Blessings to you!
Love,
Shell
At 3:22 AM,
Unknown said…
thanks for sharing with us!
At 11:32 AM,
kitchu said…
Wow Joannah, I am happy and sad for you simultaneously... wishing you the very best though and congrats on your upcoming marriage!
At 3:51 PM,
Glinda said…
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams..." Thoreau
I am glad you are chasing and catching all that you have dreamed your life to be...I will be tagging along as you journey of into the sunset.
P.S. I am so self-absorbed, did I miss a post about the proposal?
At 7:28 PM,
Paulette said…
Girl I am so happy for you that you have the love of your life. Your little Jillian will come some day and I will be there to watch you all along the way. Have a great fresh start to the new year. A fresh new start.
At 7:39 PM,
Mariah said…
Wow!! Congratulations!! I wish you all the best!
At 8:02 PM,
C's Mom said…
Oh wow! I can only imagine all you had to go through to come to this decision.
You always must do what calls your heart as the right decision. I wish you only the best of health, love and happiness and look forward to following you along in your path of life.
At 9:01 PM,
Donna said…
Joannah,
You always need to follow your heart, where ever it leads you. I'm SO happy that you have found your soul mate. You are a beautiful person inside and out and deserve the very best.
With that said, I'm also a little sad that the continuing wait has forced you to make the decision to pull your dossier. I've been very frustrated and dissapointed with China myself lately.
Best of luck with your upcoming wedding and with starting your family. I'm looking forward to following your new blog.
Donna :)
At 8:57 AM,
Jacquie said…
Well congrats on your upcoming marriage. You always seemed so happy when you talked of your sweetie.
I can only imagine how heart wrenching of a decision that was for you. It is so sad that the whole process takes so dang long!
Sending baby vibes your way ;-). Look forward to following your new path.
At 9:55 AM,
Robin said…
Holy cow.. First let me say CONGRATULATIONS !!!!! How exciting!!!
So sorry to see you leave the AWAA community though. However..I'm really excited for you and your future dh!!
Congrats again!
At 7:01 PM,
Tammy said…
Sending you a GIGANTIC HUG! You deserve every ounce of happiness that life has to offer. You are a beautiful person - inside and out. I'll be following your new blog.
Bring on the WEDDING BELLS!!!!
At 7:05 PM,
Deb said…
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding Joannah! I will be following your new blog too. It will be fun to follow the wedding preparations!
At 11:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
A very brave decision. Congrats on your new life, and I know there's a Jillian in your future, just not from CHINA!
I'll check out your new blog!
At 7:58 PM,
Kathryn said…
Wow! Congratulations!!!! How come you couldn't do both marry and adopt a child? I'll definitely check out your new blog!
At 9:50 PM,
Christi and Abbey said…
Dear Joannah,
So glad you can finally share your news with everyone, and you did it very well. I LOVE your new blog and can't wait to follow. What interesting twists and turns our lives have taken.
I am thankful for your friendship.
At 6:13 AM,
Unknown said…
I am a few days late, but wanted to tell you how happy I am for you. Life is brimming with opportunity and abounds with love. I am thrilled about your marriage to the man of your dreams, and I admire the decision you made about the adoption. You are so brave and loving.
At 9:34 AM,
Beeb said…
Johanna,
congratulations!
I cannot imagine the wringing of hands that went with this decision, but what a wonderful decision to make! Best to you and Michael.
At 4:00 PM,
K said…
Congratulations! What an exciting change in your life. I wish you all the best and I'll follow your new blog as you embark on your new adventure.
At 7:54 PM,
JoAnn in NJ said…
Joannah,
Congratulations on your engagement!
The path to motherhood is not always as you would have it be.
Enjoy the next stages of your life and I hope that motherhood finds you when you need it to!
All the best!
JoAnn in NJ
At 2:38 PM,
Tamara said…
I'm crying as I read your post. I'm both happy and sad. I know this decsion has not come easily for you. I wish you ALL the best with your new life! It will be so amazing to read about your journey through life with the love of your life! Congratulations on your engagement.
At 3:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
I wish u could have both your dreams come true and wish that you could do both. May you find comfort and joy at this time.
At 7:00 PM,
Shana said…
Oh, Joannah... please please forgive me for just now finding this news. I hope you know you are always in my heart and on my mind; and I know it's no excuse, but things have been so busy (my grandpa's health, Sophie's vision, Ollie just coming home, and lots of other personal stuff not on the blog).
Okay, now for my comment... CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Oh, WOW! I am so happy for you! You know, there was a family in my DTC/agency group who did the same thing- and she had a beautiful baby girl the very next year!
I think the world of you- you are so beautiful, talented, sweet, kind-hearted, and most of all- smart! I know your decision is what's right for you (and I'm also annoyed w/ China for making everyone wait)!
I'll be visiting your new blog and sending you my very very best wishes for a happy ever after life with your sweetheart!
BIG HUGS my friend!
Love, Shana :)
At 5:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
I have a four year old daughter named Jillian. Her last name is Rose....oddly enough... her middle name is Michael.
At 6:45 AM,
Kristin said…
Behind on the news as usual, but sending you heartfelt wishes and a lifetime of "mad love" with your new hubby! There are plans greater than what we envision and I hear you about the "powers that be" but hang onto that sweetness! :)
At 3:11 AM,
Alyson and Ford said…
Hope you are living well and very happy! Congratulations; hope you will pop in and give some updates.
Merry Christmas.
Alyson
LID 01/27/06
At 8:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Adoption is not a second choice. If you already had your daughter before you got married, would you just give her away? So sad that there are people like you who view adoption this way. Wow.
At 10:50 AM,
Shelley said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
At 10:55 AM,
Shelley said…
Hah!
Anonymous is a clearly a moron.
But you know what they say, Joannah:
"No brains, no headaches."
;D
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